I read this post on Facebook and it sparked so many thoughts in me that I can’t resist sharing them with you. I have been married for over 13 years now. My husband and I have over twenty years of history together. I’ve watched my parents go through many divorces and I’ve had two divorces. As a result, I do feel I have solid advice to share with you on what to do when you feel the need to snoop on your spouse.
Here’s the post:
Okay wife’s, I’m in dire need of advice…
I went through my man’s phone, BECAUSE he not only works with this woman, they go walking at work, they TEXT while at work & they workout in a group after work.
I didn’t like it; he doesn’t text me or call me during the day (I stay at home with the kids during the day and work at night.)
I felt so suspicious about it, so in their messages she’s talking to my husband about her sex life & talking about her period and to me, I feel majorly disrespected, I feel like he shouldn’t allow it, I feel like it’s common sense that he’s wrong , they’re both wrong. I feel like she’s testing the waters.
Am I crazy ladies our is there something seriously wrong with this?
& how do I go about confronting him about this without him knowing I went through his phone because he will flip it on me and make me out to be the bad guy.
Should I just sit back and watch or say something??????
Number one: You’ve obviously lost trust in your man (and for good reason.) So, your marriage is already rocky as the dickens!
Number two: IF things continue to grow with his relationship with her, you could lose him to her. Here’s the kicker you’re NOT going to want to hear…. if his needs aren’t met at home, then he’s going to fall right into her web. YOU need to stop snooping in that phone UNLESS you’re taking screenshots and sending them to your phone to use as PROOF during your divorce proceedings. It sounds like you may be ready to throw in the towel. DON’T show him that you know because they are right, he will get more clever about hiding things.
Number three: IF he does end up falling into her web, which you’ll know whether you’re snooping or not, then I’d demand to get counseling IF you want to save your marriage. Otherwise, take the ammunition you have against him and nail him to the cross in divorce court.
Men do not see things the same way a woman does at all. In his mind, he may not see the harm in his relationship with her, but it’s clear she’s doing that whole “I can get your man.”
I’d test the waters with my husband and do some old fashion hardcore courting on his behind. He may back off her completely. You may have made him feel unwanted, undesired, and lost your friendship connection with him due to life happening, and you didn’t even know it. It happens in MANY marriages! If he doesn’t meet you in the middle, then you have some serious issues already, and that relationship with that other woman maybe a whole lot more already.
I wanted to elaborate on these points more when you feel the need to snoop on the spouse.
Does Privacy Exist Within Marriage?
When I first got married to my husband, I had major insecurity and trust issues due to my past. I would often feel the need to snoop on the spouse.
Yes, my husband became furious. To him, I was invading his privacy. I’ve seen comments back to her… “there is no privacy in marriage.” I’m on the fence regarding this point because, on one hand, I agree my husband should have his privacy at least on something in his life. However, I also believe we should be able to check out everything on each other’s accounts any time we want.
Since this major argument, we made the agreement that nothing will be blocked from the other. I have full rights to check his phone and anything else anytime I want. He has the same right!
Now mind you, there are times I checked it, and seen things I wish I hadn’t. However, no one is perfect, and we all have desires that aren’t always handled by our spouse.
I learned that confronting him about it only backfired because he started feeling the need to hide what he was doing. That led me to be even more suspicious about his activities. I knew I had a choice; I could accept what he was doing, or I could leave him over it.
To this day, IF I feel the need to snoop on the spouse, I doubt I’d do it. His actions are going to tell me enough. I know I can pull his phone records through a court order, and that will bury his behind in court if he ever has an affair.
We Signed Up to Take Care of Their Needs
That brings me to my next point, as a spouse, it is our responsibility to take care of the other half’s needs if we are physically able to do it. There have been times when I’ve had physical limitations in being able to take care of his sexual needs throughout our marriage. As a result, I know he’s explored other things, but not other people to my knowledge.
That is what any human being with needs not being met at home is going to do. Whether it’s Mrs. Palm and her five friends or some other avenue. In the society we live in today, marriage does NOT mean what it used too. There are too many people being led to believe it’s nothing more than a piece of paper. Affairs happen all around and without any secrets to it.
The whole “I can take your man if I want to” movement makes me sick. However, in most cases these girls are RIGHT. They can because they don’t have the responsibilities of tending to the home, taking of care kids, earning an income, and dealing with the other maintenance things that come with having a family. They just get to see the good things from our spouses. In turn, our spouses see them as being the better option because they are full of energy and able to devote their attention to them.
Life Has a Way of Interfering
All too often, our spouses take the back seat in our lives even without us meaning to do it to them. It takes dedication to keep the home fires burning! It also takes a heck of a lot of communication. Often, we say we’ll get to it tomorrow, and then tomorrow comes and it gets put off again.
As a couple, we should talk about why we’re not having date nights and sex. In most cases, affairs happen not because of the sex, but because of the attention, they are getting from the other person. I can freely admit there have been periods of my marriage where my husband has been put on the backburner. As a result, he pulled away from me and arguments happened rather quickly. I didn’t feel the need to snoop on the spouse because I was too comfortable in our relationship.Affairs happen not because of the sex, but because of the attention, they are getting from the other person. #marriage #marriageadvice #sharinglifesmoments Click To Tweet
My husband is an outstanding listener. He’ll move mountains to make me happy when he’s able to do it. When we first got married, he was not good at telling me when I’ve upset him. He’d sit on things for an extended period and then he’d blow up after he’s been brewing about something for months. It took several years of marriage for that habit to be broken.
One of the biggest gripes was him feeling like I didn’t matter that much to him. I was exhausted and didn’t have much energy left for him. Once he found out that all I really needed was more help with the kids, the home, and time to unwind. He made darn sure I had two hours a day kid-free with a clean home. He took on cooking several nights a week. Now we make sure we have date night two nights a week when we can find something to do outside of sex. We take the time to court each other even after all this time.
Our sex life thrives. I don’t worry about him roaming or even thinking of wanting anyone else because I’m confident in knowing I’m doing my part to take care of all his needs. We talk about everything and we tend to make others around us sick because we do talk to each other as much as we do.
If a person can get my husband at this point in our marriage, well, they can have him because I didn’t have him as much as I thought I did. I no longer feel the need to snoop on the spouse. I’m sure he feels the same way. However, he has made it clear that he knows when I’m talking to another guy even a little bit. I’ve also made it clear that he can read any conversation I have with someone else because I don’t have anything to hide.
When You Feel Need to Snoop on the Spouse: the Solution
The overall point is when you feel the need to snoop on the spouse, it’s probably beyond time to take a hardcore look at your marriage. You need to really admit whether you’re taking care of their needs. Some people will cheat regardless of how good you are to them, but in most cases, that’s not the case.
Snooping isn’t going to solve the problem. The solution is hardcore communication with your spouse about what your needs are within your marriage. If that means you want them to limit their communication with those of the opposite sex, then you need to stress that as well.
When you feel the need to snoop on the spouse how do you handle it?