One of the biggest reasons marriages struggle is that people enter them with unrealistic expectations. These unrealistic expectations lay a foundation that is slippery and hard to overcome. Sometimes, couples enter their marriage thinking it will look one way, and it turns out completely different; they feel like they can’t resolve their issues. I’m here to tell you that there is still hope!
What are Unrealistic Expectations?
By my definition, unrealistic expectations in marriage are things that our spouses can not do easily. It’s so easy to expect our spouses to read our minds or do everything we want them to do.
We often expect our spouses to fulfill every role we need in our lives, from the perfect sex playmate to the perfect friend, counselor, housekeeper, and cook. Even something as practical as property management can become part of the bigger marriage conversation when you are trying to keep a home, family, budget, and future running without one person silently carrying the whole load. The secret is not pretending these daily pressures do not matter. They do. The couples who survive them are the ones who learn to talk about responsibility before resentment starts keeping score. We expect to always be able to live in total harmony and happiness. The reality is that can’t happen, though.
How to Remove Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
One of the first steps to eliminating unrealistic expectations in marriage is to have those serious, uncomfortable conversations to fix the foundation. You’ll have to seriously review the expectations you’ve placed on your spouse and determine if you’re living in a dream world.
The NUMBER ONE Example of Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage IS…
If you guessed your sex life, you’re right on the money! They state that sex and money are the two factors within a marriage that will lead to divorce faster than anything else. Considering my family’s history with divorce, I can safely say I agree with this logic, which is why I’m addressing this matter now.
It’s safe to say that one or both spouses usually are sexually frustrated at various times throughout a marriage. The longer I’m married, the more I see how true this statement is. (Note: We have been married for 18 years now.)
But this also happens because one or both spouses expect unrealistic things to happen when it comes to sex. This occurs often because spouses allow their minds to be corrupted by what they read, view, or are influenced by outside influences.
It’s important to remember to speak ONLY with your spouse and/or trained counsel that you are BOTH interacting with when it comes to fixing this primary unrealistic expectation within your marriage. If you’re addressing this matter with ANYONE other than that, then you’re probably adding fuel to the ever-burning fire. As a result, you won’t see the results you should get.
A healthy and thriving sex life starts with proper communication. A spouse doesn’t automatically know what you like or don’t like. What may have worked when you first got married may not work when you’re both older. Our bodies change, and as a result, our likes and dislikes change too. It’s essential to take the time to ask your spouse what they like over time.
A fun and loving sexual experience never starts in the bedroom. It begins with showing love to one another throughout the day. It is nearly impossible for some spouses to be sexually attracted to someone who makes them feel like they do not matter.
The bottom line is, do not expect your spouse to know what you want sexually or to be fully interested if they are not getting the attention and loving feelings from you elsewhere. Be sure to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse about what they would like to see improved in your sex life. Their answers may surprise you.
Reality States We Are NOT SUPERHUMANS
This morning’s ordeal with my husband made me think about how much we, as couples, do this to our spouses. We assume they can read our minds because, after all, they are supposed to know us so well. We take for granted so many things about our spouses that we forget they are not superhumans.
When our kids were little, I felt like a basket case. I whined to my mother-in-law, and she responded, “Don’t you know you’re Superwoman now?” My husband was working long hours and didn’t have the energy to help around the house. Considering that I firmly believe that a housewife cooks, cleans, and fully raises the kids, this became an overwhelming time for me. Del didn’t know what was going on. He just knew I was upset and very irritable.
While HE didn’t place these unrealistic expectations on me, they were there all the same. But had I talked to him about the matter sooner, it could have saved us both a good chunk of heartache!
Sometimes, we place unrealistic expectations on what we THINK our spouses want from us. In turn, we start to resent them for things they are not even asking for.
After I finally broke down and talked to him, we worked out a system where he took on being the one the kids had to go to for ANYTHING for two hours several nights a week. We also agreed to cook more with the slow cookers and instant pot. Taking things in turns is important to help share the load, and means you can balance your health, fitness and family life, à la Kevin Morgan of Rochester NY, who is a great source of advice on this topic. A little balance in your marriage can be the tonic you both need.
This morning is another prime example. I had a list of things I had hoped to accomplish before I started work. However, the reason I didn’t finish my list of tasks in time was that my husband expected me to keep him company on the phone while he traveled from point A to point B for work. Don’t you know, it’s tough to write and talk simultaneously! It was unrealistic of him to expect me to stay on the phone the whole time.
Yet, I do this to him ALL.THE.TIME. when I’m bored and want his attention while he’s working. I’m unsure if he did this to me this morning to prove a point or if he genuinely enjoyed my company. Either way, it made me realize how I place unrealistic expectations on him almost every day he works.
Oftentimes, I have to take a step back and think about why I’m upset with Del. I know I can be high-maintenance. As a result, I tend to put unrealistic expectations on him more often than not. He’s only human. He does a great deal for our family, and I’m genuinely grateful for his efforts. There is not a day that goes by that he doesn’t strive to showcase how much he loves me.
Conclusion
The truth is, no marriage will ever be perfect because no person is perfect. But when couples learn to replace unrealistic expectations with understanding, appreciation, and teamwork, marriage becomes less about chasing perfection and more about building a life together that can weather both the beautiful moments and the difficult ones. Sometimes the strongest relationships aren’t the ones without struggles — they’re the ones where both people continue showing up, communicating, and choosing to keep growing together.
Talk to us in the comments:
Have you felt guilty about having unrealistic expectations in your marriage?
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How to Remove Unrealistic Expectations in Your Marriage
This is an important post for all couples to read. A lot of great tips I think communication is so important.
I’m glad you found these tips worthy. I agree that communication is one of the key factors to a marriage thriving or dying.
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Like you said many people go into marriage expecting one thing when the reality is totally different. Great post!
Thank you for the compliment. I hope it helps some couples along the way.
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Wise advice! My marriage was always a work in progress. We were equal partners in most aspects and communication and a sense of humor were the key to our success. Splitting chores and responsibilities were a big factor in that.
Those who state they don’t work in their marriage concern me. I have yet to see a thriving marriage that didn’t take effort from both parties.
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Communication, day in and day out is very important. We have been married going on for 47 years now.
Thanks so much for participating and sharing at SSPS 321. See you again next week at #322 https://esmesalon.com/tag/seniorsalonpitstop/
Congrats on such a long marriage, especially in the society we live in.
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Very good post that I will be sharing with my significant other!
I hope it helps you both or others you may know who need it.
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As I read this, I thought of the unrealistic expectations we sometimes have of ourselves as well, so when that gets piled on top of unrealistic expectations of our spouses or for marriage in general, that’s an extra layer. Communication is really important, as you mentioned. Thanks for sharing this post with us at the Will Blog for Comments #44 linkup. #45 opens Monday morning–we hope to see you there sharing more posts.
I think comparing your relationship to others in not healthy. Also watching too much television or being on social media too much can bring unrealistic expectations in to your relationship.
These are some solid points too.
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