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I watched the movie Nappily Ever After on Netflix and it truly hit home for me in so many ways. I have been raised very similarly to the main character in this movie. Her journey to self-discovery was quite astounding to watch because as the viewer we know it was about far more than just her hair. The older I get the more I realize that my own journey to self-discovery has been more about losing my horse and gaining over a hundred pounds.
My Long Journey of Self-Discovery
In 1993, I got a horse named Tripp. He was a very green broke 18-month old colt full of spirit and rebellion. My mom wanted to get rid of him because he made her eat quite a lot of dust. What she didn’t know was that while she was at work, I was forming a bond with him, and I begged her to not get rid of him. I gained official ownership of him on Christmas of 1993!
I had to spend time training him EVERY DAY! He helped me deal with my own anger and trust issues from the abuse I endured as a kid. He helped me deal with facing my ex-stepfather in court when I pressed charges against him. There was a co-dependent relationship between him and me.
My confidence soared every time I rode him. I did loads of tricks on him, such as riding him standing up, riding him without any bridle or saddle, and many more! I rode him anywhere! He LITERALLY saved my life along with my dog who took a bullet for me. Needless to say, he was my world in my teenage years.
In August of 1999, I gave him up because he had health issues that no vet could fix. My mom couldn’t afford to keep him and give me another horse to ride (so that we could continue to have that to do together.) It broke me into a thousand and one-pieces!!
I went into a deep and dark depression. I literally had no clue who I was anymore since riding horses no longer appealed to me. This became my first part of my journey to self-discovery.
Learning that there was more to me than just riding horses was an enlightening experience. I found other things that brought me joy. The fact that I was blessed with a lifelong friendship certainly helped me.
I broke things off completely with my true love in June of 1999, by that time I knew I was going to have to give up my beloved horse. I no longer felt like I could give love let alone accept it.
In March 2000, I got married and pregnant out of rebellion. This pregnancy kicked my behind royally! It cost me many things because I lost a huge chunk of who I was a person. I didn’t know how to handle the major transformations of my body.
This pregnancy was the second part of my journey to self-discovery. Pregnancy was hard on me because I was sick from DAY ONE of this pregnancy. We spent a lot of time in the hospital. We almost lost my life and my daughters because I couldn’t stay hydrated because nothing would stay down. Plus, she tried to come too early often! I ended up having Postpartum Depression and didn’t even know it until it was too late!
I didn’t feel like anyone would accept me because I was no longer a size 8 and beautiful to look at. My identity was lost AGAIN because I was no longer skinny and beautiful. Like the character from the movie, my mom DRILLED it in my head that I had to stay skinny to be attractive and wanted by ANYONE. My weight gain sent me into a tailspin and caused me to DESTROY my first marriage.
To this day, there are still times that the weight gain bothers me, but it’s not nearly as big of an issue for me. I have finally started losing weight this year, and feel it will continue to happen. Now I know that my weight doesn’t determine if I’m beautiful, it’s my personality. I feel just as free as she did once she owned her new hairstyle.
My third part of my journey to self-discovery would have to be when I survived a car accident that crushed my right ankle and my middle left-finger. I had to rely on others to help take care of every aspect of my life for months. I had to learn to walk again despite doctors telling me I’d never been able to do it again!
These injuries caused me to have to give up my ability to work in restaurants because I can’t handle the long physical demands of these kinds of jobs. Outside of training horses that is my second passion in life. I loved servicing customers and cooking food and providing service that made them leave with a smile!
Found My Passion Again
Then I found out that I’m good at blogging in 2012! I had taken my first blog and made it quite successful and popular. When I sold it in 2016, I felt like another part of me died yet again. I’ve had this blog since then, but my heart hasn’t been in it until NOW.
Like the character from Nappily Ever After, I’m going to change things one blog post at a time. I believe I know what my desire is for this blog now, and I hope you will take this journey with me for your own self-discovery.
I believe together we’re going to grow our businesses (or start them!) and make 2020 our best year yet!
Talk to me:
What has your journey to self-discovery been like? I’d truly like to hear your story!