They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I have admitted to having a problem many times over now. However, I’ve never had a health scare attached to this admission.

I have gone over the 300 lb mark, and I swore to myself I wasn’t going to let myself get there. Yet, it snuck up on me. I’m now at 350! That’s lightning strikingly scary for me!! So, I’m finally at the admittance for my weight loss stage again. 

I have been battling hormonal issues, depression, and eating disorders for as long as I can remember now. I’ve been to several doctors and they all have pretty ignored my complaints about my health issues since I had my first daughter. The ironic thing is before I had her, I was in excellent health other than having ingrown toenails.

Thankful for My Mom

I guess I have my mom to thank for that detail. My weight has obviously always been a bit of concern for my mom because she used to literally put notes on boxes of treats telling me how many I was allowed to have of each on every day. If I went over she’d HIDE them! My mom told me that she struggled with eating disorders to the point she had to seek out professional help for it. She stayed quite vain about her appearance for as long as I could remember. Now though, I can see why she was that way.

This is my lightning striking moment of admittance for my weight issues. It's time for a change. Won't you join me?

The Truth of My Weight Gain

In truth, my weight issue stems from trying to bury pain and agony over the abuse I endured as a kid. Sexual abuse hurts a person for an extended period of time. I was reading the Hunger book, and I could relate to her on a personal level in so many ways!

I have lost weight SEVERAL times since 2000 when I gained my original 150 lbs from having my first child. I’ve gotten as far as going down to a size 14 (Note: My ideal size is a size 10.) Then I started to get loads of male attention. Within a two-month time frame, I went back up to a size 18. Even at a size 18, I’m still not safe from unwanted male attention, but it’s not fierce! The SAFE zone for me is a size 22. At a size 22, I can hide in a crowd of nothing but males and not be noticed even a little bit.

Sometimes being overweight is more than just having a love of food! #weightlossfriends #weightlossmom #weightlossjourney #crystalslm Click To Tweet

You see, when I was a teenager, I thrived and demanded everyone’s attention the minute I walked into the room. I could get it just by walking in the room! I got so many double takes I expected them. As a result, I made HORRIBLE decisions! I wish like crazy I could erase those things from my past.

I don’t want to make those mistakes again! EVER! As long as I can stay hidden, I don’t have to worry about it happening! I believe I’m finally strong enough and smart enough to NOT let it happen again.

Through the years, I have turned to food to comfort me because it doesn’t judge me or speak to the fears in me. It just soothes my soul so well. It adds other problems though!!

As a result, I don’t hide anything that is wrong with me. My mom always stated when I was happy, I’d lose the weight without even trying to do it. I believe she may have been right.

However, here’s the problem….. I find it hard to be happy when I am constantly fighting inner demons that won’t go away. So, rather than lose my life over something that can be avoided I’m tackling these issues head-on yet again! Yes, I said AGAIN. I’ve been close to getting to the heart of it all and killing it many times. However, I’ve let fear interfere many times over in my lifetime.

Please share with me your story, if you will so that we can be in this together.